"Dripping water hallows out stone, not by force but through persistence." -Ovid
The Hargrave Summer School Director opened her closing ceremony speech with that quote. It hit me so hard and I plan to post it everywhere that I can so that I don't lose sight of its meaning. I plan to talk about the several things that stand out about CJ having attended Hargrave but I'll digress a little and talk about why that quote impacted me so much.
Despite my hopes, CJ did not achieve academic excellence during the 4 weeks at Hargrave and wasn't the shining example of a well-behaved child. It made me feel very very discouraged. It is, to me, an extreme response to send your child to a military academy. Although it isn't anything like what most people envision, it is a very different, very rigid environment. In my original post, I talked about how much I hoped this would help him focus more and exercise better self control. To realize at the end that it had done none of that - that his will is so strong that even in a military setting, he'd continue to be disrespectful and disruptive - is really worrisome. So, when I arrived at Hargrave on the last day, I felt defeated and sad.
I'd talked to CJ earlier that morning and expressed my disappointment in him. His response shocked me because he said he knew I was disappointed but that he wanted me to know that he also learned a lot. His ability to articulate that showed me that he had made a minor change but it wasn't enough. Originally, I didn't mind that it cost us about $6,000 (probably more with travel) for him to attend for only one month. We'd agreed that it was worth it. However, in my disappointment, I allowed myself to think more and more about the fact that it wasn't worth it and we'd just thrown that money down the drain. These are the negative thoughts I started the day with.
As soon as she quoted Ovid, I started to cry. I felt like it was the reminder I needed to hang in there. My friend said she admires the way that I am able to recognize something isn't working and look for alternatives. That's so flattering but it is so sad when you feel like you cannot come up with another alternative and the fear that grips you when you feel like all is lost. Anyway, it was the reminder I needed that if I'm just persistent in doing what I think is best for CJ and giving him his best chance that he can still be successful.
Anyway, back to my original purpose for writing. I would highly recommend any child to attend Hargrave. Despite the fact that CJ didn't turn things around in only one month, I believe that he would if he attended for longer. Several things stood out to me on the last day as evidence of the difference in their mentality and approach to developing young men.
On the last day, they had an awards ceremony. They gave awards for academic excellence in each subject that was taught, awards for athleticism in each sport that was offered and a few character-related awards. Of about 90 kids, less than 20 received awards. One teacher, as he was describing his process for determining who to give his award to, mentioned that it was hard for him to decide between several of his students. He went on to say that he knew he had to choose one and he did. He almost mocked society when he explained that in life, everyone doesn't get an award for participation. They chose the best and only that person was awarded. I love that! If there's one reason why society is going downhill...why our youth feel so entitled...it is this idea that everyone should be awarded for showing up. There are so many things wrong with that, it needs its own post! So only one kid was awarded per category and the rest of the students were given something to work for next time (symbolically speaking).
The general message from each of the speakers throughout the closing ceremony focused around the character traits that they tried to instill in each young man and also the fact that the summer school was just a launching point and they should practice everything they've learned over the long term. The kids had come from all different backgrounds and were there for different reasons. However, during that ceremony, I saw something amazing. Each time a young man's name was called and he started to walk up to the stage, he was encouraged by high fives and cheering from the rest of the group. They had learned to rely on each other and to support one another. One of the speakers actually commented on how they didn't know each other only one month ago and now they feel like family.
One of the things that I noticed from day 1 was that they encourage the young men to take more accountability for their own needs and to be more independent. On the first day, they were instructed to use their roadmap to make sure they stopped in every station as needed for check in. Throughout the summer school, they were held accountable for taking their medicine each day, noting their assignments, being where they needed to be on time, etc. The day before the last, they were required to pack their belongings. Following the ceremony, they were instructed to return to the barracks and bring everything down to the main floor to meet their parents. I loved this, not only because I was wearing a dress and Jeff wasn't able to be there to help us carry stuff lol. I just loved the idea of him being more responsible. It makes me sad to think of the day that he no longer needs me but it makes me happy to think that the day WILL come lol!
It was very hot that day and CJ had made several trips already to bring things down to the car. The footlocker was the heaviest thing and as I saw him struggling to get it across the parking lot (after having carried it down stairs and through the building), I told him he could put it down and I would come and get it. He refused, saying he would do it. That made me so proud. What actually made me cry (again) was when another kid, who was already in the car with his parents ready to go, saw CJ struggling, got out and helped him carry it the rest of the way. That is the kind of kid I want CJ to be and the kinds of kids I want CJ to be around. There is hope for the world yet lol.
It was a hard experience. CJ had several days where he was very emotional about not being at home. I was reading a book recently that talked about how beautiful things come from adversity. The book talked about how diamonds are produced from such extreme force and some other examples I can't remember at the moment. I do believe that it is much harder for a kid like CJ to understand the value of things and how important it is to work hard. On one hand, I take that as evidence that we're doing a good job as parents. Children should feel safe and secure as they are growing up. Looking to the future, however, you want them to be self-sufficient and successful. Adversity creates the drive to do that because you have no other option. The question, then, is how to create the right adversity for your kid to create the drive without them having to suffer. I have no idea what the answer is but I think of situations like this and the small level of "adversity" or "uncomfortability" that hopefully will help fuel that drive for him somewhat. I'll just think of this as another drip of water and keep going.
